Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Deep breath...sharing my numbers

So normally I am coming home running to my laptop to write and share with you. Today is different.  I have been pacing around my living room coming up with any excuse to put this off.  And honestly I have been crying about this.  I decided today to share with you my numbers.  I feel like throwing up at the thought.  But, I promised to be honest.  All you really know about me is that I'm a "former" fat girl.

This is such a raw subject for me.  I'd almost prefer to give out my bank account number and say have at it. 

Let me start by saying that at my job in Charlotte there was a weight loss incentive program.  I may have mentioned this, but it's important.  For every pound lost you got $10.  I did not want to know my numbers fearing that it might depress me too much.  So Miss Jane was the only one who knew it.  I told her that when I lost 20 pounds I would look.  It took four months but I did it.  And I cried.  I was still thirty pounds over the number I had in my head.I was 186.  So my high was 206.  Now that might not seem like a lot to some people, but keep in mind that I am only 5 feet tall. I was two people for my height.  I'm not going to lie, that set me back. I should have used that number as a reason to run to the gym. Instead I found comfort in food again.  I snapped out of it after a 4 lb gain, but it still happened.

Someone recently asked me how much I've lost.  My response: Do you mean in total or from my high?  I currently weigh 150. I know no one will believe me on that.  And I'm not making excuses, but I have a lot of muscle too.  And I'm also getting really good at hiding the belly.  That's all I have too lose is that stupid belly.

I am SOOO freakin close to that 140 mark.  So I've lost 56 pounds, but if you add up what I've gained and lost over the years I have lost approximately 150 pounds.

Tonight has been really hard.  Not only had I decided to do this, but it's also a very cool night and I got a little too excited pulling out my usual flannel pj bottoms and XXL college sweatshirt.  The thing is HUGE on me, but I feel like I know who I am in it and that scares me. Does that make sense?

When I talk about my former weight I keep hearing "You weren't that big".  Either they really love me and don't want to hurt my feelings or I was that good at hiding it.  I think they just love me because I look at pictures and wince.  I was a big girl.

Yesterday on my way home from the beach I stopped and got myself a pretty new coach bag.  It was to stay in the bag until I shared this with you.  I sort of cheated just now and got it out.  While I was swapping things out of the other bag I found a pen covered in chocolate.  So even though I'm working hard every day, I'm still slipping.  You will be happy to know that I did not suck the chocolate off.  I'm not so sure that I would have done that before, but I would never say never on that.

If you continue to follow me you will learn of my obsession with The Biggest Loser.  It is by far my most favorite show.  It's starting up soon so there will be at least one post a week on it.  These people amaze me.  I am pretty much crying during the whole first episode.  First they are telling their stories, which I personally identify with.  Second, they are stepping on the scale in front of a room full of people and eventually the world.  You have my respect people!

One of my favorite contestants was on last season.  Her name is Courtney,22, and she was originally too big for the Biggest Loser.  She had to lose over 100 lbs before she could even get on that scale during the first episode.  My mom and I became her biggest cheerleaders and pulled for her every week. I love how open and honest she was during the show and what a big supporter she was for everyone else.  I wish I had a Courtney to inspire me when I was her age.

Ok, if I don't get off and post this now I may never do it.  And then I'll have to put the bag back...


Don't forget to check out my new facebook page for Confessions of a Former Fat Girl:


1 comment:

  1. Awesome! I love that put those numbers out there. Because honestly, no matter our number its always an inner struggle. Years ago when I needed to lose 50lbs I wish I could've told myself "just do it before you have to lose 150lbs" no matter the # its always hard. (I auditioned for BL11 w/ my daughter, we got called back for interviews! But when we didn't make it & I saw marci & courtney I knew they were meant to be there)