You knew it was coming...let's talk bathing suits.
For me, trying on bathing suits is a traumatic experience. In fact, I had to throw out a suit last year because I had worn through it. I literally had bald patches on the butt and chest area. And I had worn it that way for at least a year. I would do anything not to try them on.
I have been a one-piecer forever. I had wanted a tankini (not quite bikini ready just yet) for so long. And every time I got the nerve to try one on I would practically vomit in the dressing room. I've seen "bigger" girls wearing them. Where the heck are they finding them? My problem is my stupid belly. Those "loose" tops were no match for Beebe (as in BB - Big Belly). I had actually considered getting a maternity tankini because it's made for an expanding belly. But, then I had a vision of someone recognizing that's what it was and asking when I was due. I would probably go home and eat a tub of ice cream if that happened.
This year I was in pretty good physical shape and decided to be brave. I really had no choice I had thrown out my bathing suit and I needed one. I got lucky. I found a one piece at the store with a really cute cover up. And then a week later I found MY bathing suit. I found the tankini made for me. It's black and white with a 50's inspired halter top and a little black skirt. I could not wait for it to get warm.
When Memorial Day weekend came I was beyond excited. I could not stop looking at myself in the mirror. I looked GOOD! And then we went to the pool. I saw a picture that my friend took of me in the new suit and I just about died. I looked big again. COME ON! I can't even wear it one day without getting depressed. I already have to deal with the tiny bikini's walking around without jumping off the deep end. I was finally feeling decent and then in one second I feel like crawling into the fetal position sucking my thumb. It sucked.
I've worn it a bunch of times since then and I've felt much better. I just have a rule of no photos right now. Not yet. I'm picking my battles. And for the record, I did not wear that one-piece all summer :-)
This weekend I was surrounded by tons of people in their bathing suits. Some were stunning bodies that made me envious. And others were not so stunning that made me cringe. I feel like I have a split personality when it comes to Fat and bathing suits. When I see someone fat in a particularly revealing suit the first thing I think is "no one wants to see that". Then immediately I am jealous because they are so comfortable in their skin that they can wear that without hiding. I'm just not there yet.
If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.