Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hello Stranger (Me),

Hello Beautiful People,

Once again it's been a while. I want you to know that it's killing me. I need to clone myself. I was at a meeting last week were we joked about using me as the Example of preventing Burn Out. I am getting better and have actually said "No" to a bunch of requests lately...sadly it has been because I have also said "Yes" to more. I recently had a series of road trips for long weekends and was able to relax for my mini breaks and that was nice. I need more of them. The downside of course was the time crunch in between where I could barely find time to breathe.

In a previous post (or one that I comprised in my head and never actually got to write) I talked about finally putting myself first. I lost myself for a while. My life once again revolved around helping others. What was best for me wasn't even an option. I lost who I was. And while I got satisfaction being able to help, I got depressed about my regression.

I haven't quite been putting myself first, but I put myself near the top of my list.  I have also been injury free for a little while and that has really helped. My foot/calf injuries really knocked me down physically and mentally.  I wasn't able to keep up my cardio and the pain got to me. My eating wasn't the best, but it wasn't was the snacking that was the problem. It's the curse of a food addict and stress eater.

It got to the point where I didn't recognize my body anymore. Where were they awesomely toned legs that I was so proud of? Why couldn't you bounce a quarter off of my butt anymore? And where the hell did that tire around my waist come from?  I am vertically challenged. Every pound gained on me is like 5 lbs on someone else. was depressing and embarrassing. I mean my job it so educate and help others to lead a healthier life and here I was losing myself. I was still great at what I do, but I was frustrated with myself. I gave the Former Fat Girl an opening and she tried her best to break through. And I heard about it. I heard about my "fat" belly from quite a few people. I thought I had gotten away from that. And let's face it. That HURTS. It's so not necessary and seriously, words hurt. How have people not learned that by now? I just don't understand why people feel it's necessary to go there. Some of the comments came from young kids and I would literally turn away and cry. I would repeatedly explain how that hurts my feelings, but it didn't matter. They would just say it again.

Over the last 3 months I attended a family wedding, went to the beach a couple of times and visited my brother's family before they move to Minneapolis next month. I literally stressed about before each trip. All I could think was that when people would see me they would say to themselves "what happened to her? why is she so fat?" As excited as I was to see people, I was secretly terrified.
The crazy thing is that while I had gained some weight, I was still fit and in better shape than when I started, but I just couldn't handle it.

I will also confess that every time I drove past Stewart-Haas racing I would think "OMG I can't meet Tony Stewart like this!". I am told that a plan is in place for us to meet, he just has to find an opening in his schedule. TAKE YOUR TIME TONY!  I'm not ready!

Besides the visual physical changes, I also experienced health changes that you didn't see. Because I wasn't getting my regular cardio, I went from about 100 to 25, my blood pressure rose and my resting heart rate increased. Not good for someone with my health history. I'm happy to say that in the 3 months since my last post both are back to normal for me. HOORAY! No matter what the scale says, that is the MOST important thing.

Physically I am feeling better. My legs are starting to look like themselves. Get that quarter out!  That's right, you can bounce it off of my butt again!  HOLLA! Hey Tony Stewart, CALL ME (and bring a quarter ;-)! For the longest time I couldn't take deep breaths and that hindered any distance training. In fact last weekend, I had to stop my run several times to go get the inhaler and focus on my breath. This week I have been able to take deep breaths again in what feels like FOREVER....ahhh. Don't take breathing for granted.

We are less than 5 months away from Marathon #3 and that has become my focus. I couldn't handle the thought of switching another to a half Marathon. I will finish this one if it kills me. My training has been sporadic though. It's easier and healthier to train in the morning, but I'm not available until the afternoon. It is too hot and humid, and quite frankly unsafe, to train outside at that time. So it's been challenging, but finding myself again has been quite refreshing.

I have been wearing my 26.2 necklace and drinking out of my 26.2 cup. I have it in me. For the first time in months I am actually excited when I think about it. For the longest time I would just shudder at the thought. I really do have to put myself first though. This has meant rethinking my fall schedule. I can't even believe that I am saying this, but I don't know if I can coach Girls on the run. I NEED training time.  I don't know my schedule yet. If my mornings are fully booked then I need all of my afternoons for training. If my mornings are free then I can still do it. It might kill me not to do it so I am super torn. However, if I don't train then I will just end up injured again with another year long setback and that CANNOT HAPPEN.

One of my favorite movies is Finding Nemo. I love when the birds are repeating "Mine!  Mine!  Mine!" That's my new motto. My time is MINE!  MINE!  MINE!

So I have considered saying that I will post a daily diary of my exercise, but let's face it, it's been 3 months since the last post. I already keep track of it, so I will try to at least post it weekly. This blog is important for me. It holds me accountable. So If you don't see a post every week (Amy and Kim) you may call and harass me. lol.

Thank you all for your continued support.

Have a Blessed Evening
****Please note****

 If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support. 
Check out my Facebook Page for Confessions (there are before and work-in-progress pictures):


yeah, sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant :-)

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