I am seriously a giant ball of emotions all day long. Some days I am so tense to keep myself from crying that I have chewed my lip raw. I need to add that that is how I am in public. In private I am a huge blubbering mess. I could be sitting and watching Trading Spaces and all of a sudden I will see myself walking in and seeing Dad for the first time since I knew he was sick and how fragile he looked. It comes out of nowhere and I don't know how to hide from it.
When I was home for Easter last month the Pastor said something that stuck with me. He talked about a very short period of time in which 4 members of his family passed away. He talked about Grief and how when you are grieving and going about your daily routine no one knows. The example he used is that no one offers their seat on the subway to you. I wish it was still cool to wear 'mourning' clothes. Although in my own way I have done just that since Dad passed away. I have worn his sweatshirts like they are my armor.
I love my friends and family and they have been good about checking in with me. And I think that I'm pretty good about sharing when I am struggling. Except I just publicly acknowledge it. I don't actually talk to anyone about what I'm feeling. But, there comes a point when I don't want to share everything because I don't feel like everyone will understand. And then I become irrationally upset that they have no idea why I'm feeling down.
I know everyone grieves differently, but I just plain suck at it. I mean I am like a Gold Medalist in Sucking at Grief. I can push down and lock up those emotions with the best of them. I am so terrified of the tsunami of emotions that would envelope me that I do everything possible not to let them out. This, I know, is so not healthy. It's not good. I'm snappy with people for no reason. I shut down from friends and hibernate if I have the chance. I'm not dealing with my grief at all. And I know after some people read this they will say that I can talk to them anytime I need to. I know that I can. But, that doesn't mean that I will. That's all on me.
For several months I have passed a sign at the church down the street from the house. It's for a Grief share. I looked at the church website, but I couldn't find anything about it. It didn't matter though, because it was for Wednesday nights and I have confirmation with the kids at my church. After feeling like my insides are melting because I cried so hard I decided that I needed to take another look. Last week I looked it up again and found some more information. I wasn't sure if it was similar to an AA type meeting where anyone could go at any time. It is not. It's a structured meeting. I know this because I reached out to the Pastor who leads it. This one ends in a few weeks, but I am going to go for the last two. The Pastor is trained in Grief counselor and has offered to meet with me outside of the meeting. I really need this.
And as I type this I feel stupid. We just postponed this week's confirmation event, but I said I would set up a video chat. I could have gone to the meeting instead. Although Wednesday is my birthday and I'm not sure that's how I want to spend the evening.
So now you know what this current trigger is. Every milestone without Dad is hard. And there have been so many. I have almost not wanted to celebrate this birthday. I have pretty much avoided planning anything. Birthday month has been super low key.
This is from the last Birthday that I celebrated at Dad. Since my birthday falls around Mother's Day it has been notoriously hard to get friends together that weekend. However, every 5 years we would celebrate at Dad's at the beach. It is a little less hard to get people to go to the beach. This was 5 years ago so that means this would be the year to spend with him.
I've been pretty good controlling my stress eating lately, but I will confess that when I stopped at the grocery store today, I got a large white chocolate bar and ate the whole thing.
Have a Blessed Evening,
If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.
yeah, sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant :-)
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