Monday, March 12, 2012

Not my best

Hello my Lovelies...and Gents,

So I realized today that I didn't confess some things from the weekend :-(  I'm sorry.

Friday night when I stopped at Bed Bath and Beyond on my way to the gym.  I got what I was looking for and then some.  Stupid me fell victim to the impulse buys by the register.  Have you had Indiana, Popcorn?  It's good.  I got hooked on the cinnamon sugar bags.  Well every now and then I stumble across the dark chocolate drizzled popcorn.  I usually only get the little individual serving sizes.  This time they only offered the big bags.  I ate half of the bag Friday night and then the other half Saturday morning during overtime :-(  Argh.  The plan was to break it up into serving sizes, but I ate it first.

It was so good, but dang it I am mad at myself.  To make up for it I behaved at lunch and had a turkey burger and veggies.  I usually go out to lunch or dinner on Saturday.  While I was out picking up the bookshelves I picked up a couple Lean Cuisines.  I wanted pizza and got their garlic chicken pizza.  I wish I hadn't caved to the quick fix, but it happens.  

So along comes Sunday and I went to Subway after the eye doctor's.  The plan was for a turkey breast on wheat.  But, then I got there and saw the special.  For a limited time they have Eggplant Parmesan now.  OMG!  Little known fact: Eggplant Parmesan is my FAVORITE!  I had to try it.   I got a 6inch on wheat.  It was awesome.  However, the whole time I was kicking myself that there were no veggies on it (sauce doesn't count).  No matter, I was depressed about my stupid vision issues.  And then I remembered that I was going to the gym. ARGH.  I can't workout well with that in my belly. And I didn't.  I was burping the whole time and had to scale it back a bit because of the throw-up burps.  No thank you.  It was good going down, but I did not want to taste it again coming back up.

Truth be told, I also went to Starbucks before the eye doctor and got a tall vanilla chai.  It was calming for me.  I don't handle the puff of air test well and I wanted something relaxing.  Stupid test.  My head knows it's just air, but they have to do it over and over again on me because I tend to flinch and it doesn't work.

I was finished the drink when I realized what day it was.  It was Sunday.  Sunday nights I go to the local coffee bar for a church discussion after dinner.  The owner is adorable and she loves me. She has a toasted coconut hot chocolate that I would push my grandmother into the street for.  Sorry Grandmom.  We have a deal.  I pay for and ask for a medium.  She brings me a large.  It's my splurge for the week and I look forward to it.  So now I could skip that since I had the chai, but I think we all know that ain't happening.  Argh.  Damn sugar is like cocaine to me (I'm only guessing at that as I have never done cocaine, but if Law & Order is to be believed it's extremely addicting and dangerous).

So on the whole it was not my best weekend.  I've had this Fitness Assessment and Biometrics Screening on my mind.  And now I'm wondering if I'm self-sabotaging or possibly stress eating.   I'm really hoping for stress eating.

Today I made amends.  We went out for lunch and went to the grocery store with the salad bar: Spinach, spring mix, carrots, peas, cucumbers, roasted red peppers, corn/chick pea/beans mix, and balsamic vinaigrette.   Oh it was good.  The only chicken they had was breaded.  I needed protein and picked the smallest pieces.  Wish it was grilled, but I can live with it.

So cut to tonight.  I had a monster run at the gym tonight. I was starving when I got home.  So I made some pasta.  I had whole wheat and a smattering of garden veggies pasta.  I topped it with soy meatballs and garden veggie sauce.  Yum.

So here I am icing my knees and trying to relax.  I hurt myself running tonight...cause I'm a big dummy.  Why not go for my fastest longest run the night before my Fitness Assessment? I know why I did it and I'm angry with myself.  I know that tomorrow they are going to classify me as "obese".  Just thinking about it makes me tear up.  I know it's stupid, because I am not.  But, my height and weight will put me in that category.  Never mind that I've lost over 60 lbs.  Never mind that I am in the best shape of my life.  Never mind that I continue to amaze myself with how far I've come.  That one stupid word can set me back years mentally.  Argh.  So I ran.  I wanted to feel good about my accomplishments.  I wasn't smart about it though.  Time to pull out the knee brace again.  I had put it away, but I'll be wearing it tomorrow.

If you're feeling bad about crappy decisions.  Just remember, it happens to the best of us.  Dust yourself off and start again tomorrow. I know I will.

****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you!  Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week.  The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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