Happy Saturday Bleeps,
This morning I let myself sleep in. I wanted to make sure that I was good and rested for the basketball games tonight and I also know that I was super tired. Once again I am running myself ragged. My plan was to go for a run when I woke up and then study until game time.
Well I slept in a little longer than I had planned and I only had about an hour left of reading to finish my book. So I finished it before I got out of bed. I was a little mad at myself for getting such a late start to the day when I have so much to do, but I also am in desperate need of some down time. When my days of rest from working out are spent studying then I'm not really getting a break. And so I let it go...or so I thought.
I put on my shorts and feared that my white legs might blind any airplane flying overhead. Don't care though...it was nice enough to wear shorts! HOLLA! I made a quick stop at the library before I got to the park and by then it was a little after 1. My plan was to walk for an hour. But, since I got there so late I just decided to run 3 miles. I am going to start my Race training for September, but I'm going to do it slowly. I ran my first mile easily. And then like most mile twos the Former Fat Girl got in my head. I don't know what it is, but no matter what I am doing whether it's on the treadmill or doing a race Mile Two is killer. Not physically, but mentally. It doesn't matter if it's for 3 miles or 13, mile 2 gets in my head. There is always a little voice in the back of my head that is saying "You can't do you. You know you can't." And that's sooooo stupid. I have done it. I've done it many times. So why would I have this little voice telling me I can't? It's so frustrating.
It pisses me off on so many levels. No matter how far I've come I still have to battle the self-sabotage. I CAN do it. I know that I can. There is no reason to think that I can't.
The same thing happens while I'm studying. I will be rolling along just fine and then that voice will pop up. "You'll never be able to pass. There's too much for you to remember. Just give it up." ARGH! Make her stop! I do my best to push that voice to the back of my mind, but she still pops out every day. I get so excited when I have an a-ha moment when I finally understand something that's been like a foreign language to me. I feel like doing the dance of joy at the point.
So the other thing that got in my head during my run was just how much I have to do. That voice was screaming "Why are you out here running when you say you need to study? You obviously don't really want it if you can't devote your time to it. Weren't you going to study for most of the day today? Way to go slacker. The day is half over and you've done nothing." This angers me. I know that I have a lot to do. I'll get it done, but I also know that if I don't get outside for some exercise on such a beautiful day I'll be even madder at myself. I am starting to feel like no matter what I do, I am going to have that voice in my head trying to hold me back.
I got my run in and I came home to study. I was doing really well until plans for tonight started to take shape. I wouldn't be heading out until right before the game. There had been talk of going out to watch the game somewhere and that would possibly include food. But, now I would not be heading out until later. I had considered going to Starbucks to study and grabbing some food next door at SaladWorks, but I had the house to myself and it's not always this quiet. So I stayed. I even threw in some laundry.
But, as it got closer to dinner I wasn't sure what to do. I haven't done real grocery shopping in a few weeks and I was running low. Well I could just run out for something, but that would take time. And then I remembered that there's a pizza place just down the street. So I pulled up their menu. OH I wanted a burger and fries. Or maybe some chicken nuggets and fries. I mulled this around for about 30 minutes. And then I got mad at myself for letting myself get distracted. I had my cheat day yesterday with pizza. So I went downstairs and made a soy-chicken patty and green beans. There will be some munches at the game.
Alright kids, I'm going to be heading out in a little while to cheer on my Syracuse Orange so I think it's time to call it a night. The good news is that tomorrow is a full on study day after church :-) It's all good. I'm going to win this battle. Oh before I go, I have to tell you about Ms. Liz. She replaced Ms. Kerri and she totally cracks me up. She'll instant message me when she is ahead of schedule on something and say "I Win!" That's going to be my new motto. Whenever I can beat out The Former Fat Girl I am going to say "I Win!"
Have a Blessed Night.
If you feel like you are
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of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you