Friday, January 25, 2013

Those aren't my thighs!

Happy Friday Bleeps!

Okay so last night I was at the gym early. I wasn't able to take a lunch so I left work at 4. I had originally thought it would be a good night for Crossfit, but they were going to be doing Front Squats and that really hurt my injured ankle. Instead I went to the gym to get in a long distance walk/run.

It was so nice to get there while it was light out. I had my sunglasses on. YEAH!  Hooray for the sun!  It threw me off though. I got on a treadmill by the ESPN/ESPN2 tvs and was happy.  Until it got dark out. I was in front of the windows, not the mirror.

I don't like the treadmills in front of the mirror because I see my problem area while I am running. I see my head and the dreaded belly.  Most of the time I can't really see my full reflection in the window if there is someone on the elliptical in front of me. And maybe I haven't really been looking at myself in the reflection lately, but last night practically brought me to tears. It was two hours of torture.

I was wearing a lime green t-shirt and fitted black pants. My reflection in the mirror was so distorted it was awful. It looked like my hips were about a foot lower than they actually are and that my thighs were ginormous. This wasn't my body, but this is what I was seeing. It really messed with my head. It hurt. It's all I could look at and it was upsetting.  What was really upsetting was that I was looking at everyone around me and their reflections were normal. Do I have beer goggles when I look at my body?

I couldn't even be fully distracted by Gym Crush Big Dude. He was off to the side and that made it worse. "Oh my gosh, is this how he sees me?" TOTALLY crazy!  This was the reflection in the window. He's looking right at me not the warped reflection.   He still smiled at me and I smiled back, but I was done for the night. There would be no flirty flirty moments. That stupid reflection got in to my head.

After the treadmill, Gym Buddy Lisa and I went back to stretch. We were almost finished when he came back and got on a machine right by us. Once again he looked over and we shared a smile. And then my head went "GUH he's just looking at your fat. You are sitting hunched over on the floor just squashing it all together."  I hate my head some times.

We both ended up at the trash can getting paper towels to wipe down our equipment. Standing that close to him made me feel tiny like Thumbelina.  He looked like he was ready to say something. This was my big moment. I didn't take it. I walked away quickly.  I told myself it was because I was disgustingly sweaty, but really it's because my head had me convinced that I was huge.

I was so mad at myself. I know the windows are distorted.  I know that wasn't the shape of my body. I had all of these opportunities to talk to him, but all I could think of has big I was. It didn't seem to matter that he is always smiling at me. BAH!  I was determined to go talk to him tonight.

But, it was not meant to be...for the night at least. It started snowing in the afternoon and we left at 4:30 to get a head start. did everyone else...and the stop light was not working. It took me 30 minutes to get out of the parking lot.  And another hour before I made it to the gym (which is 9 miles away).  I decided to go to the gym because I would just be sitting in traffic anyway.  The good news is that parking was not a problem. The bad news is that he wasn't there to talk to tonight. Oh well, I consoled myself with a massage.

Have a Blessed Night.

Don't forget my Fundraising for Autism Research:

****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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