Monday, October 1, 2012

Surviving my Emotional Meltdown

Happy Monday Bleeps!

Okay well first let me say, sorry I took the weekend off. It was not planned.  However, Friday morning I had an emotional meltdown at work.  I did not want to write when I was that emotional and I wanted to just stay off of the computer.  I used this weekend as a decompression weekend.   It was very needed and I feel much better.

I could feel my blood pressure rising.  I am borderline high blood pressure, but I have been able to control it with exercise and diet.  I started to have an anxiety attack and I felt like my head and chest were going to explode.  Normally I would want to exercise to help, but it can be dangerous during an anxiety attack with my blood pressure rising. So I was trying to will my body to calm down. It has been a long time since I had an attack. I was sitting at my desk fighting back tears.

I had so many things hitting me at once. You know that I have felt the stress of the move and the certification.  Money has been tight. Payday came and it's sad. I got used to 11 day paychecks and two 10 day paychecks hurt. So I needed to sit and budget out the next two weeks (three weekends...argh).  The bad news is that I have no money for anything fun.  The good news is that I can budget for gas and food.

I wrote my dad an "I need a hug" email because I couldn't even say anything without choking up. Big shout out to my Daddy for calling to give me a hug. And to let me know that I am trying to do too much and that it's okay to cut back and slow down. I know this. I keep telling myself this. But, it's just a lot to take.

I put on my Christian playlist to help me relax and the very first song that came on is called "Tunnel" by Third Day. The main verse is "There is light at the end of this tunnel just keep holding on." I could feel myself relax.

I keep thinking about what Billy Crystal says in When Harry Met Sally "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  Well this is my somebody. When I realized that I want to be a Personal Trainer I want it to start RIGHT NOW!  Besides WANTING to do it, it's the eternal struggle of "I need money to get certified, but once I am I can make money."  I could use that money for Half Marathon registration fees. I could pay for my trip to Florida in December. I could have a spa day!

The more I have to push the exam back the more I feel like my dreams are disappearing. And I know that is stupid. I know it is. It's going to happen.  Just not on the timeline that I was hoping for. But it's starting to feel like someone's dangling a carrot in front of me and won't let me grab it.

Hence my anxiety attack.

So how did I cope? Well I was happy to meet up with my friends for dinner on Friday. It had been a while since we had dinner and I had gotten out of work early. So I met them at Q'doba. It wasn't great since I have a budget to deal with, but I got the grilled veggie burrito and had half for dinner and saved half for lunch the next day. When it was over I went to the gym.

Had I known I was doing that I would have packed a different gym outfit. I felt like a stuffed sausage in my tight shirt and shorts. Ugh. I just read and walked on the treadmill. I knew I couldn't do much with a full belly, but at least I was there.

Saturday I was supposed to meet a friend for a walk later in the afternoon. That meant that I could sleep in FINALLY. I was beyond thrilled. I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked, but it's okay. I still slept longer than usual. And then I decided to stay in bed and finish my book. It's one of my favorite ways to spend the morning. I used to do this almost every Saturday. They were my lazy days. I won't fall back into that pattern, but this was a special occasion.

I finished my book and I needed to do something move related. So I got out the winter clothes. I put some in the give away pile. YEAH.  I am very excited to share this with you.  Last year I bought a Fleece jacket at Target when they were on sale. I had a large and I went back for a medium. They were out, but I got a small for $5. It fits!  And it zips!!!!  OMG! I have huge boobs, how is this possible?  So not going to question it. Just know that the large is in my give away pile now :-)

The walk got pushed off until later and so I put in a movie. I love Eat Pray Love. It's like therapy for me. So I put that in and I got out my knitting. OMG. I used to knit all of the time. I should have 12 scarves done for Christmas by now. I had 3. DOH. It's so relaxing for me. So I knitted for the rest of the day. Ahh....

Sunday came and I went to church. At one point one of the ladies said "I've been meaning to tell you, you look incredible.  You have lost so much. Not that you looked bad before, but you can see your hard work." YEAH!  I heart her!  After church we had our first choir practice for the holiday season. I am so thankful for one choice of song. It is a song that I fell in love with a couple of years ago. We practiced it, but we never got to sing it.  It's Call "Slow Me Down". I used to sing it every day to myself. "Slow me down Oh I am tired Lord". It's good for me.

I was talking to someone after church. We were talking about my anxiety attack and she said that with her blood pressure and diabetes she knows that there are going to be days when her body fails her and that she won't be able to workout. She can't plan those days, but she has to know they are coming. So she just makes sure that no matter how she is feeling on a good day, she has to work out since she doesn't know when a bad day is coming. I love that. And that's what got my butt to the gym after church.

She was also telling me about a recent shopping excursion. She went to the store looking for something to wear on an upcoming trip. She wasn't familiar with the layout of the store and asked someone where the "Women's Section" was. They pointed her and she realized that it was the regular section. "Usually people know to send me to the fat person section. She thought I could fit in those smaller clothes!"  It's the little things that make our day :-)

So I survived my emotional melt down. I even did some grocery shopping and made my chili for the week. I did not get any studying done this weekend so I did not earn the new Dave Matthews cd (I would have figured it out in the budget somehow). I'll just have to work extra hard the next week.

Before I go, I want to share what happened at the gym tonight. I was hauling butt on the treadmill when  gentleman came and got on the treadmill next to me. I could smell him before he got there. He REEKED of cigarettes and it made me nauseous the whole time he was there. I spent 30 minutes trying not to throw up.  I don't mind when I push myself to nausea, but this was gross! I really hope that doesn't happen again.

Have a Blessed Night my friends.

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yeah, sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant :-)

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