Thursday, August 22, 2013

Test Anxiety

Hello Beautiful People,

Okay well here we are.  I mentioned before that I didn't want to tell people when my exam is because I have Test Anxiety (always have).  I didn't want anyone to know the day of the exam because if I fail I want to be able to deal with it first before I have everyone asking how I did.  I think we all know how emotional I can be. 

Well I had to let some people know and now the cat is out of the bag. My exam is Monday morning. I appreciate everyone's support and am very thankful. I love how much everyone believes in me when I don't necessarily feel that confident.So I will start by saying, Please do not ask me how it goes on Monday. I will let everyone know what happens.  I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into this. I will be extremely hard on myself if I don't pass.

Last weekend I took a practice exam and did really well. My second practice exam was not as good. I still have another to take so hopefully I will do better. I was feeling really good on Sunday and then felt like I fell flat on my face yesterday. 

It's very hard to hear everyone say that I'll "do great" when I know that the pass percentage last year was barely above 50%.

The studying is stressing me out. I tend to want to eat when I study. Not because I'm hungry, just because it's a habit. That's how I gained most of the weight when I was younger. It was no accident. I have been good for the most part, but instead of focusing on what is in front of me I am having an internal battle.

Go downstairs and get a snack.

NO, I am NOT hungry.

Come on. I need to munch on something.

Absolutely not. There is no need.

But, you're doing so well. Just reward yourself.

I don't need it!

Come on...we're at Starbucks. Go up to the counter and get a treat.


But, you got an unsweetened green's not like you're over your calories.

Well I guess one won't kill me...


The majority of the time I do not get a snack and my drink choices are fine. But the internal battle is exhausting. I really just want this over with so that I don't have to deal with that anymore.

The time came fast. When I scheduled it I had hoped to have at least a week of the summer to enjoy and relax. I feel like a lost my summer to studying and to family obligations. Next weekend is Labor Day Weekend and I am thinking of taking Friday off and going to my mom's to hang at the pool all weekend. And possibly go in to DC to the zoo for a day. I wanted it to be my big reward.  But, I haven't scheduled it yet. I may need it to cry for 4 days if I don't pass.

I think I will be okay even if I fail. It will cost me to take it again, but it's what I want. If I fail, then I will dust myself off and get back to studying. I want to do this right. This is what I want to do with myself for the rest of my life. This is how I will help people. And this will help me get back to North Carolina for good. There is a plan in place people!  I want to go back so bad I can taste it. And I truly believe that this is the way I am going to get there.

I know people are going to say that I am being too negative and that I should be more positive. Right now I am 50-50. I know I will do it, if not now eventually, but I also have to prepare myself in the event of a fall.

Today I visited Mr. Wil a couple of times for some pieces of chocolate. I didn't go overboard, two pieces was decent. But I wanted to dive into that jar.

Tonight was boot camp and I really wasn't feeling up to it. I really need to study. But, I went. I knew I needed to blow off some steam. I also knew that I couldn't go all out. I am not good at studying after an intense workout. I still worked hard and I still sweated up a storm, but I didn't exaust myself too much.  I can still get my study on tonight.

And on that note...Peace out!

I signed up with Run for Autism again :-)

****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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