Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Spending some time in my brain with my fears and anxieties

Hello my Lovelies and Gents,

I'm just going to dive right in.  I've mentioned lately that I've had a lot on my mind and hopefully if I write it all out I will realize how stupid I am and I will feel better.

I am worried and I am scared.  You hear so many times people who lose the weight say "I will never be like that again!".   And at the time they mean it, but so often they do slip back.  That is forever in the back of my mind.  And when I start to make little mistakes that's when I worry that the former fat girl is really trying to come back out.  So if you think I am crazy or overly focused, that's pretty much why.  I still haven't gotten to my ultimate goal and I am terrified of slipping back into old habits.  I don't know that I will every be without this fear.

This weekend I am going to Cape May (at the Jersey Shore) for a day trip.  Just a fun saturday with my cousin and a good friend who I haven't seen in ages.  It'll be a good fun girl day. Great!  Cape May is my instant relaxation place.  All of my problems melt away.  And yet I am having severe anxiety.  Why?  Because of my stupid bikini.  Now you are probably saying to yourself: What the freak Jennifer?  You don't HAVE to wear it. You can wear something else.  And you are correct.  If I have this much anxiety over it why not just wear the tankini?  DUH.  I know this.  I KNOW this.  But, I feel like I have to do this for myself.  I have to make that leap.  And, if I wear the tankini I still have the problem of the white belly when and if I ever wear the bikini.

Do I think I have the body for a bikini yet?  No.  Do I think I look horrible in the bikini?  No.  Can I do this? Yes.  Will I?  No freakin idea.  If I am not up throwing up all night the night before then the chances are good that I might just do it.  Seriously, I can put my story out there with "before" photos on the Huffington Post for the whole world so see and I freak out about people at the beach seeing my belly.  Freakin belly! 

So here's my thing.  If I am standing up, then I am okay.  What I panic about is the sitting down with the belly roll.  You know what I'm talking about.  And try as i might, I cannot go from standing to laying down without  bending over or sitting down.  It's just not possible.  I love to sit in the chair and read at the beach.  Um...can't do that this weekend.  It's laying down only. 

Now I really am serious about the white belly.  I have good tough skin.  Shoot I still have tan lines from years and years of sunbathing.  But, my pattern is that I burn the first time out then I tan the rest of the summer.  It does not matter how much lotion I put on, that's how it goes. The sunburn sets me back. I can hardly move with the burn let alone workout.  And then it really has to be all gone before I workout because your skin can't breathe with a burn.  If I sweat I will blister.  I can't even fathom what my body would look like after that.  So when I burn this saturday, how long before I can workout again?

Insert my next fear.  How long will I be out of commission?  This fitness competition still has two weeks.  I do not want to go backwards.  I WANT TO WIN! (Hoping for a gift card for new sneakers for the next marathon...unless the sneaker fairy wants to visit me Reebok Realflex size 7 don't care what color :-). 

So the sunburn will knock me out...and so will these damn shins.  I cried yesterday. I need to rest them.  That's it. That's what I need to do.  But, if I do that then I will get off schedule.  I can only bike so much.  My butt is still cramping from the stretching.  Dang it.  And seriously, Hottie Instructor is going to suddenly find himself too busy to work with me if it's all about my butt.  But, I can't stop the walking.  I really thought it was the running, but after Monday I know better.

Walking is what pulled me out of the abyss.  It's what got me on the right path.  How can I just stop it for a while?  But, training is no good if I can't walk at all.  So I need to listen to my body and refocus my schedule.  I need to take out the long walks/runs and insert more bike and elliptical to keep my cardio up.  I can do this...but I'm too sad thinking about it.  What if I can't get this healed?  What if I keep aggrivating it because I'm stupid?  I don't like pain.  I would be very happy for it to go away.

I skipped the gym last night because I really didn't trust myself not to run.  I also only had a white t-shirt packed and it was raining so I did not feel like giving a show on my way out.  Now, the plan was to do some weights when I got home.  But, my brain got all fuzzy and I had a little breakdown over my fears and so I did not stick to my plan.  I started with biceps.  Um...If you do weights you should work the biggest muscles to smallest muscles.  Biceps are the smallest.  So I was stuck.  I did small weights for long reps for 30 minutes.  It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the plan.  See!  Already I'm off schedule.  Stupid shins!

Here's the scary part. Tonight took me 2 hours to get home.  There was an overturned tractor trailer blocking my exit.  So everyone took the back roads.  That was torture.  I kept trying to come up with an alternate plan.  Plan A-okay, I will just hit the gym from Monday night.  It'll be closer.  Plan B-If I get to the park by 6:30 I will walk for 30 minutes. Umm..NO WALKING!  Plan C- when I get home I will just do some more weights or a yoga dvd. They were all feasible plans.  However, 2 hours of my shins pushing on the brake pedal and I am in pain.  No workout tonight.  And now I'm stressed about that. 

Now the smart thing would be to coordinate the shin resting with the sunburn.  Get all my resting in at once.  But that competition is in the back of my head.  Okay, are you sick of hearing about it?  Do you think I'm too focused on it? I know, I'm getting sick of it too. BUT, right now that is my motivation.  That is what is keeping me off of the couch with a pint of chunkey monkey.

Insert next fear.  What the hell am I going to do after this competition?  If I can't run for a while then training for the marathon is not my huge motivator.  I've already resigned myself to letting it be a walk again.  I can do that tomorrow if that was the case.  I would be in a lot of pain after, but that's okay. But, I really really wanted to run some of it.  I'm not willing to risk injury though.  And clearly the fear of sunburn means that my bikini is not my motivator.  In fact, let's talk more about that.

My summers are generally fun.  I go away a lot and spend weekends at the pool and beach.  I love my summers.  Right now it is stressing me out.  I am pretty good with getting some workouts in when I go away, but I rarely get my full workouts in when I am away.  Besides, the fitness centers I go to are limited.  So now my brain is going: You can't go away!  You will get fat again!  I have little panic attacks when I think about varying from my schedule (that's part of my ocd too).  But, if I don't go away then I don't see my friends and family and then I am even sadder.  BAH!

So in the past my favorite thing about the summer has been my sunbathing pool time.  I look bloody fantastic when I have a tan. I love my relaxing time reading and listening to music.  I recharge myself.  And right now the idea of that scares me.  It might take away from my focus.  Now I know this is insane.  I can do both!  I don't have a husband or kids to take care of.  It's just me.   What is my problem?  Why is this stressing me out?

And when I say stressing me out, I will just say that I just made it through a period with minimal cramps and not one pimple!  I was so excited...and then my brain takes over and 5 stress pimples!  Son of a Nutcracker!

*You might want to get up and stretch...go get something to drink.  We're not done yet.*

Let's go back to Cape May.  I love the feeling of it.  But, I also love the food.  When I think of Cape May I think of pork roll sandwiches, french fries, soft ice cream, and fudge.  I can generally start good with a turkey sandwich and carrots.  And then when I am walking around the boardwalk and shops all hell breaks loose and I can barely control myself.  I am a creature of habit.  And this has been my habit for many many years.  So let it be my cheat day!  And that's a great plan.  Assuming I don't cheat before or after.

So let's assume I make it through this Saturday with minimum trauma.  I am then going away next weekend too.  I am heading to my dad's at the beach with my bestie Carol. I have not seen her in a year and I miss her soooooo freakin much!  Every time I talk to her she says "I can't wait to see you!  You must be so tiny!".  That makes me flinch. What if she sees me and says "um...I thought you would be smaller?"  I KNOW she would never ever EVER say that.  But, I feel like I may not live up to her expectations.  And that's freakin CRAZY!    But, that's the crazy brain of a former fat girl.  That's what goes through your head.

I have a good plan for next weekend.  I was originally going to take a half day on Friday and then we would drive down to my dad's.  But, I looked at my PTO schedule and I have the days to take.  So I took a full day on Friday.  I will hit the gym before she gets here and that way I don't have to worry about getting in my Friday workout.  YEAH!  Let's hope the sunburn is gone. 

So now if you haven't had enough of my brain, here's some more.  What the heck am I doing with my life?  I am pretty unhappy.  I am not where I want to be.  Physically.  Mentally. Location.  Vocation.   I moved into a different department at work and that's good.  It's less stressful.  I don't actually want to bang my head against the wall when I walk in the door any more.  It's a good thing.  But, yesterday my new manager asked me if I was interested in moving up in the area I am in.  My immediiate thought: NO!  This is not what I want to do!  But, if I can't do what I want then yeah sure.  Oh yeah, I'm sure that was the answer he was looking for.  I don't know if he saw the moment's hesitation or the complete terror in my eyes before I said that I would, but that's what happened.

Is it what I want to do with my life?  NO.  Do I know what I want to do?  Well sort of.  I really really really want to do something with health and fitness. I love those of you who say I would be a great Personal Trainer.  I would LOVE that.  I love when I have a positive influence in someone's life.  But, would that be enough for me?  I kind of want to be a motivational speaker too. How the heck do I do that? I see people every day that I just want to help. I would move in with them if I could just to change their lives.  The blog is a good start, but it's not enough for me.

So if this is what I want to do, then why am I not taking steps to get there?  Because I freak out!  When will I have time to study?  I am exhausted between work, the gym, and the blog.  My to do list gets sooooo big because this is all I do. Lord help me if I find a guy to date.  He's going to need to fit in to a 1 hour window a week.  Unless he is going to the gym with me...hello gym crush 1 where are you????  So I don't have the time right now.  Something would suffer.  I can't let that be the gym.  And the blog is so good for me mentally.  And quite frankly I have to work...I need a sugar daddy who will let me quit and do this (Tony Stewart Call me!).  So I feel stuck.  I'm going to be in this horrible pattern where I am not moving.  Sure, eventually I will have the body I have always dreamed of, but I'm still going to have to work my ass off every day to keep it.  It's a horrible cycle.  My life is just like the movie Ground Hog Day.

I miss my Charlotte peeps something awful.  I am lonely a lot.  My friends here are busy and I don't see them as much as I would like.  I practically pounce on poor gym buddy Lisa at the gym, but she's moving soon :-(  And dear Kerri at work, who only reads the blog to see if I mention her pop tarts, is my sounding board all day.  I'm going to drive her insane soon.  haha.  Thank goodness for Barb, but she leaves at 4 and I'm on my own until the next day :-(

Moving back to Charlotte is not in the cards at the moment.  The job market is not there.  So then I thought, hey, if I was a personal trainer maybe that is the time to make the move.  But, again when am I going to study for this?  Are you seeing my problem?  This is so depressing for me.  Sometimes it makes me physically ache.  And that's why I throw myself at the mercy of the gym.  The sooner I get to my goal the easier life will least that's what I tell myself.  I figure I can allow myself 2 days of rest a week then. 

Deep Breaths...we're almost there.

I am exhausted physically and emotionally.  But, I am seeing such a dramatic change in my body.  I still have a hard time believing it's me.  I spend hours just looking at my legs and my arms.  That does make me smile.  Please don't get me wrong, I do have lots of happy moments.  I really do.  I just need to get a hold of myelf and relax.  I need to make my plan. Maybe a week off from working out would be good for me.  Maybe I need to send back my "I'm only half crazy 13.1" shirt and just order "Loony girl".  haha.  

Oh and then that brings me to the December marathon.  I WANT to make that a full marathon so bad it hurts.  But, that training is not in the cards until the shins get better.  ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So that's one dream that I see slipping away.  And that's just stupid because if I give myself the rest that I need then I can totally do it.  But, can I rest without slipping?  That's the problem.  Can I rest without losing any of the progress I have made.  I have worked so damn hard to get here.  I can't let anything take that away.

Okay, please come back tomorrow.  I promise to be back to normal. :-)  But, I thank you for listening to me.  It really helped me.

****Please note****
If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you!  Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week.  The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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