Thursday, January 23, 2014

From XXL to Small?

Hello Beautiful People,

So let me ask you something? How are you ever supposed to feel good about yourself when you lose a lot of weight and yet the "norm" keeps getting smaller?

I mentioned before that I buy my jeans from Aeropostale like every 14 yr old does. They have jeans in "short" and so I go there. I sure as heck don't have time to be hemming jeans. That takes FOREVER and we know I'll never make them even. So that's where I go.

And when I go there they have mounds and mounds of jeans in size 0...and now size 000. OMG if you are wearing a size 000 I want you to immediately put down the jeans and go somewhere for some food. That is dangerously too low. And yet they make these sizes. It's scary.

I hadn't put on the Size 6 jeans that I got 2 years ago in about a year. I don't know why. I think I just expect that they will be too tight and that will send me in a spiral depression.  Oh they fit. In fact, there was some room. Could I really be ready for a size 4?  Okay well I know there would be a muffin top there, but could I actually button a 4 in some styles?  I almost want to go to the store at lunch tomorrow and try some on.

I still have a hard time with sizes. I really don't know what the mental block is. I still seem to buy things that are too big. For the life of me I cannot get it through my head that I need a medium bottom. I keep going for the large and inevitably it's too big. I'm wearing a belt with my spandex leggings for goodness sake. Why can I not understand that I am smaller? I will literally hold a medium and balk. I immediately think "No, that will be too small and you'll feel upset when it doesn't fit. Put it back."  And then I get the large and I can't keep them on my hips.

I get excited that I am a Medium in tops. Unless something runs small I can accept that. But, I am swimming in a bunch of medium things. Could I possibly be a small now? NO WAY!  But, I think it's true. 

 I could go on for hours about how the ideal female image is portrayed and how upsetting it can be. I won't though...for right now. But, did you ever read Sweet Valley High? I couldn't keep my head out of those books when I was younger. Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield were 16 yr old twins in California. They shared a little red fiat and wore matching necklaces...and they were described as a "perfect size 6". I think that stuck in my head a little more than I would have cared to. So maybe that's why I have a hard time with my size. They are forever who I picture when I think of a size 6. And I sure as heck don't have the body that I imagined they had.

But we all come in different shapes and sizes. I am tiny. So while I still see my fat, it's in smaller proportion to the rest of my body than it used to be. You can still pinch an inch (the worst possible phrase ever considering how many inches the Former Fat Girl could pinch) in my belly.  But, you can also wrap one arm around my waist. My butt is tinier. My back is tinier. Everything is tinier. I just can't seem to get that through my head most days.

I do not feel that I am in danger of becoming anorexic or developing an eating disorder. I like my food and muscles too much. But, I can understand how you can feel like you can never be small enough.  It's all about how you see yourself compared to what is shoved down your throat every minute of every day. It's just not right.

Have a Blessed Night.

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