Sometimes I wish I could look at myself through beer goggles or at least through someone else's eyes.
Yesterday after the 5K my aunt posted a picture of the four of us to Facebook. I loved the picture. One of the first comments on it was from a friend who said "Wow, look how flat your tummy is!". Immediately I looked and while I saw a flat belly, I also saw a roll of fat. Argh. It's so minimal compared to what it used to be...but that's what my eye sees.
In the car ride home Keeley was looking through the pictures she took with her phone. She had taken of picture of me during the race. "Look at you Skinny Jennie!" Again, my eye went straight to the belly. ARGH.
Then last night I decided to change my Cover Photo on Facebook. I forgot about the "flat tummy" picture and instead put a different picture of us up. It wasn't the same angle, but still cute.
First of all my boobs should not be photographed from the side. haha. It's a cute photo. I don't love my belly in it, but I could crop that out. What I couldn't get past was how my face totally reminded me of another photo. It was a photo taken in NYC sometime around 2000. I don't know exactly when. I tried finding it for the blog, but I think it was an old fashioned film picture and I can't find a copy of it just now. Anyway, I had a lot of hair...long flowing beautiful blond hair. I am wearing a Cape May sweatshirt and my favorite army green shorts. I thought I looked great. And for the longest time this was the best picture of me. And now every time I see it I cringe. I was so big and I tried to hide it with my big sweatshirt and would think no one would know how big I was because I was showing my legs. My fabulous muscular legs that were always shapely, but they were still big too.
One of the books that I am reading right now has a young girl with an eating disorder. She is scary skinny and keeps thinking that she needs to lose another 10 lbs. When I read stuff like this. It scares me. I don't worry about developing an eating disorder, don't worry. It scares me because I can identify with these girls who don't see themselves the way the rest of the world does. That's so disturbing.
The good news is that today I was looking at my hands and noticing how tiny my rings are that I wear. I wear a size 6 ring on my left hand. And it twists around all of the time on it's own. I almost think I could go down to a 5. When it twists around it is this tiny silver band and I cannot stop staring out my finger when that happens. It's been years since my hands got smaller and I don't recognize them most of the time.
So maybe the plan should be for me to just focus on my hands in my pictures from now on...at least for a little bit.
Have a Blessed Night my friends.
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