No matter how far I come I still have to play the mental game with myself. It's a daily challenge. I wish it was as easy as saying "Look at me now", but we are talking decades of self doubt and low self esteem. No matter what, it doesn't just go away over night. This is a post from after I had my first practice run at 13.1 miles. The bad news is that I still tear up and doubt myself, but the good news is that those times are not as often as before.
Happy Friday everyone! It's time to head to the beach for Birthday Weekend number 2 :-)
You've Got This Jennifer!
This weekend was an emotional roller coaster. I was so proud of
myself for completing the 13.1 miles, but it physically and emotionally
exhausted me. One minute I was completely elated that I was able to do
it and the next I was unbelievably sad that I had not believed in myself
all of these years.
It's very sad when you don't have
confidence in yourself. The Former Fat Girl could put on the happy face
and tell the world she was good enough, but she never truly believed it.
She hid behind the food and used it as an excuse. She would tell
herself "I can't do it because I am too fat", but then she would
continue to sabotage herself by binge eating and sneaking food.
I think about finishing that Half-Marathon I really do start to cry.
In general they are tears of joy, but some are tears of sadness over the
Former Fat Girl and how sad she was. My eyes tear up more than you
know when I'm walking. I start to get choked up. I have to shake myself
out of it and focus back on the task at hand or I'll never make it. I
would love to have a whole cheering section at the finish line, but even
if no one was there I would be okay because this is my journey.
Besides, I will cry if it is just me or if there are 50 people there
waiting for me.
So let's talk about the Half-Marathon.
When I finally admitted that I had dreamed of doing it I was very
defensive. What would people think? I made it very clear that it was
the HALF marathon, not the full marathon. Why? Because I thought
people would look at me and think "She's crazy. She's too fat do to do
that." Then, once I got used to saying "Half-Marathon" I quickly
followed it up with "I'll be walking it of course". Again, why? Why
did I feel the need to clarify that? What do I care what people think?
This is about me and how far I've come. If I could run it then I
would. My knees just will not allow that and I have to accept that. It
doesn't matter if I walk it or run it. I'm going to finish the whole
freakin distance and that's what matters.
last night I got a little excited about it and went on to the site. I
found the times from last year. I wanted to see if there were people
who were in my time range. I would come in at the bottom, but there
were a good 15 people in my range. The former fat girl started to
panic. "You're going to come in last. You'll be humiliated. Don't do
it." Luckily, I shoved her to the side. I finished the distance. I
still have two months to increase my time. But, who cares? What if I
come in last? At least I will have tried and finished.
what happened today? I went out at lunch to walk my 4 miles in the
parking lot. Something had come over me. I was walking taller and a
bit faster. Oh heck yeah! I shaved 5 minutes off of my 4 mile Parking
lot pace (remember, I have to dodge cars...3 close calls today). I was
walking faster and with longer strides. Why? Because I KNEW I could. I
no longer had that nagging doubt in the back of my head. It was like a
giant weight had been lifted off of me. I had conquered the distance.
Now I just have to conquer the time.
There was no
traffic on the way home and I made it to the park in record time. My
plans for tonight got postponed so I could stop and walk if I wanted
to. Oh I wanted to. I got out and put in another 3 miles. And I
shaved off 3 minutes of my usual time. :-)
the negative thoughts start to creep in I just push them away with
"YOU'VE GOT THIS JENNIFER! DON'T YOU FORGET IT! YOU HAVE COME SO FAR.
YOU'VE GOT THIS!" I've got this!
You've got this too!
Give yourself a goal. In fact, give yourself three goals. A short
range, mid range, and long range. Once you reach your short range goal
it will be easier to get to the mid range and so on. When you believe
in yourself and know just what you are capable of you're whole outlook
on life will change. BRING IT ON!
Have a Blessed Night my friends.
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out my Facebook Page for Confessions (there are before and work-in-progress
sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant
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