The last 4 months have been a struggle beyond words
Hello My Lovelies and Gents,
Well shortly after my last post on August 27th my world upside down and I fell apart. Eight days after my post my dad called (on Labor Day) to tell me he was in the hospital. He was supposed to come for a visit that week, but he wouldn't make it.
While we didn't know exactly what was wrong at first, I had that horrible feeling in the pit in my stomach. After a few days he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. That was horrible, but I had expected much worse. And we got it. At the end of the week they did a biopsy on his liver and sent him home to rest. A week later we got the worst news possible. It was stage 4 cancer of the esophagus, liver, and bones. When dad called to tell me he told me it was worse case 7-8 months, best case 7-8 years. I couldn't breathe and couldn't imagine this being our last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. If Only.
He would be starting chemo and radiation in a week. It was a scramble to figure out how and when I would be able to get up to see him. I had plans to go at the end of the following week. Ideally I would be there to go with him to his second chemo treatment.
And then 9 days after the initial call I got the call that I dreaded. Chemo was supposed to start the day before, but I hadn't heard anything. He was back in the hospital. The cancer had spread to his brain. He would be coming home to Hospice.
Ten Days. Ten FUCKING DAYS. WHAT? HOW is this possible? I still can't process this.
I was supposed to be flying up in 3 days, but what if he didn't make it? The mad scramble was on. I tried to change my flight, but that was not happening. And then my Aunt offered to drive down and get me the next day.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I was walking in to. For my entire life my Dad has been larger than life. His 6'4" frame dwarfed my 5'1" frame. He was also that guy that everyone knew and loved, and I mean Everyone. I never expected to see the thin and frail man before me. He recognized me and said "Hi Honey".
I'm still not sure how the next 4 days could be a blur and yet I can remember parts so vividly. There were 16 days between that diagnosis phone call and when Dad passed away. It took twice as long for the numbness to wear off and the crying to begin. For such an emotional person it was extremely frustrating not to be able to process emotions and cry. I also wasn't really processing food.
I am so very thankful to friends and family who fed me for that month. I had no appetite and no desire to eat, but I knew I needed to. I consumed a lot of soup and some pretty amazing dishes. Basically the only reason that I ate was because I knew someone took the time to make me the food.
Then miraculously I cried one day and my appetite came back. Not voraciously, but it came back. It disappeared again once the holidays hit. I have had to force myself to eat again for the past month. I'm not exactly a walking Zombie any more so I've been able to feed myself, but I have forgotten to eat a few times, okay more than a few times.
I try not to pity myself too much. People die unexpectedly all of the time. Not everyone gets a chance to say good bye. I should be grateful for the time that we had. But, isn't one of the benefits of Cancer is that you should have time to process things and really say good bye? I didn't get to have any long conversations with my dad at the end. Sure I talked, but he wasn't really able to talk back. And realistically, those last 4 days were a death watch. We never expected him to live through each night.
It's been about 3 months since he passed away and I have struggled every single day. My emotions are like a powder keg. I have gotten so angry at people and lost control of myself. I have felt like I have fallen so deep into a hole of sadness that I can't imagine ever getting out. I have found myself staring into space not remembering what happened during the last 5 minutes. I have found myself laughing sporadically and feeling good about it, and just like that I fall back into the hole of sadness. Sometimes it feels like only chocolate will get me out of the hole and sometimes it feels like only sleep will.
I'm very thankful for all of my friends and family who invite me to do things and make sure someone is checking in on me. I'm not always receptive, but I appreciate the love. To avoid dealing with my sadness I tended to fill up my schedule. So that pretty much meant running until I collapsed. I didn't have a lot of down time, but the down time I did have would make me feel like there was a giant suction cup pulling me down into the chair and that it was futile to attempt to move out of it. If I got the idea that I could be productive two giant invisible hands would then push my shoulders down further.
Thanksgiving was not a time that I was looking forward to. It would be the first one without Dad, but also the first one without Mom-Mom. I was just not ready for it. Food wise I did okay. I made sure to eat breakfast because Dinner was at 3, but I forgot to eat a light lunch. I did just have one plate of food and didn't have any dessert...but I did have some adult beverages. I was a little happy from that.
We had discussed Black Friday shopping and I thought that if we went to the outlets I would look for new sneakers at Asics. When we found out that they were open that night we went. I don't usually like to encourage shopping on Thanksgiving, but the obsession of new running sneakers blinded me. I MUST HAVE THEM NOW! Luckily they were on sale and I got a new pair, and some socks. I'm a wild Black Friday shopper. Watch out.
Physically I have healed from my running injuries. But, I have had such a horrible mental fallback it's not funny. I have gone to the gym twice this month and I was really excited about that time. I even ran a little. I felt good, but then the giant hole of sadness would open up and WHAM. I'm barely moving.
Leading up to Christmas I was a total mess. I lost count of the times I cried each day. As much as I wanted to be with my family and relax, I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I didn't want to face another Holiday without two of the people who I loved most in my life. And to top it off, I got sick the week before Christmas. I had literally run myself into the ground. It was my own fault, but I also blame the germs running around pre-school. That didn't help matters.
When I was up driving up for Thanksgiving I had stopped at Wegman's Grocery story for some last minute items. While I was there I found some Candy Cane Celestial Seasonings Tea. Had I known how delicious it is, I would have bought all that they had. So the only thing that pulled me out of the sadness on the drive up for Christmas was the thought of stopping for more Candy Cane tea. I had looked everywhere down south and couldn't find it. So when I stopped on this trip I had a skip in my step, which was nice because I had been reliving the last four days with Dad for the previous hour.
I checked the first section of tea. None there. Okay Breathe. There is another section to check. The blood is rushing to my ears and my heart is pounding as I casually fast walk through the throngs of last minute shoppers. I get to the second section and they are all out there too. Thank goodness it all happened in my head, because I had an all out temper tantrum in my head. I work in a preschool and I must be spending too much time with 3 year olds. I literally wanted to drop onto the floor and have a meltdown. This is a small peek into the way my brain has been functioning since September. It's amazing I haven't had an accident.
I'm not going to lie, Christmas was awful for me. I loved being around my family, but I have never felt so sad. My anxiety was through the roof. I ate off and on, but mostly I ate sweet things and several meals were skipped. I would like to tell you about one of the best meals that I had though. The day after Christmas Mom and I went to Carrabbas for dinner. I stayed in the low calorie section and ordered the Prosciutto -wrapped pork tenderloin (with a port wine fig sauce) and grilled Asparagus. It was AMAZING. I want to recreate it.
I started to rally during the week. I had talked about doing the Rock'n'Roll Washington DC half marathon in March. I have been holding off registering, but I pulled the trigger last week. I signed up to run for the St. Jude Heroes team. I'm pretty excited. Now I just need to raise $500 and train for 13 miles.
Feel free to check out my Fundraising page:
http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Heroes/Heroes?px=4953572&pg=personal&fr_id=75944
Alright kids, I am tired and have preschool in the morning. It's good to be back. I've missed you. See you soon.
Have a Blessed Evening,
Jennie
xoxo
If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.
jhendersonfit@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsOfAFormerFatGir
yeah, sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant :-)
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter: hugsnsmile
Instagram: Jennie5973
Well shortly after my last post on August 27th my world upside down and I fell apart. Eight days after my post my dad called (on Labor Day) to tell me he was in the hospital. He was supposed to come for a visit that week, but he wouldn't make it.
While we didn't know exactly what was wrong at first, I had that horrible feeling in the pit in my stomach. After a few days he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. That was horrible, but I had expected much worse. And we got it. At the end of the week they did a biopsy on his liver and sent him home to rest. A week later we got the worst news possible. It was stage 4 cancer of the esophagus, liver, and bones. When dad called to tell me he told me it was worse case 7-8 months, best case 7-8 years. I couldn't breathe and couldn't imagine this being our last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. If Only.
He would be starting chemo and radiation in a week. It was a scramble to figure out how and when I would be able to get up to see him. I had plans to go at the end of the following week. Ideally I would be there to go with him to his second chemo treatment.
And then 9 days after the initial call I got the call that I dreaded. Chemo was supposed to start the day before, but I hadn't heard anything. He was back in the hospital. The cancer had spread to his brain. He would be coming home to Hospice.
Ten Days. Ten FUCKING DAYS. WHAT? HOW is this possible? I still can't process this.
I was supposed to be flying up in 3 days, but what if he didn't make it? The mad scramble was on. I tried to change my flight, but that was not happening. And then my Aunt offered to drive down and get me the next day.
Nothing could have prepared me for what I was walking in to. For my entire life my Dad has been larger than life. His 6'4" frame dwarfed my 5'1" frame. He was also that guy that everyone knew and loved, and I mean Everyone. I never expected to see the thin and frail man before me. He recognized me and said "Hi Honey".
I'm still not sure how the next 4 days could be a blur and yet I can remember parts so vividly. There were 16 days between that diagnosis phone call and when Dad passed away. It took twice as long for the numbness to wear off and the crying to begin. For such an emotional person it was extremely frustrating not to be able to process emotions and cry. I also wasn't really processing food.
I am so very thankful to friends and family who fed me for that month. I had no appetite and no desire to eat, but I knew I needed to. I consumed a lot of soup and some pretty amazing dishes. Basically the only reason that I ate was because I knew someone took the time to make me the food.
Then miraculously I cried one day and my appetite came back. Not voraciously, but it came back. It disappeared again once the holidays hit. I have had to force myself to eat again for the past month. I'm not exactly a walking Zombie any more so I've been able to feed myself, but I have forgotten to eat a few times, okay more than a few times.
I try not to pity myself too much. People die unexpectedly all of the time. Not everyone gets a chance to say good bye. I should be grateful for the time that we had. But, isn't one of the benefits of Cancer is that you should have time to process things and really say good bye? I didn't get to have any long conversations with my dad at the end. Sure I talked, but he wasn't really able to talk back. And realistically, those last 4 days were a death watch. We never expected him to live through each night.
It's been about 3 months since he passed away and I have struggled every single day. My emotions are like a powder keg. I have gotten so angry at people and lost control of myself. I have felt like I have fallen so deep into a hole of sadness that I can't imagine ever getting out. I have found myself staring into space not remembering what happened during the last 5 minutes. I have found myself laughing sporadically and feeling good about it, and just like that I fall back into the hole of sadness. Sometimes it feels like only chocolate will get me out of the hole and sometimes it feels like only sleep will.
I'm very thankful for all of my friends and family who invite me to do things and make sure someone is checking in on me. I'm not always receptive, but I appreciate the love. To avoid dealing with my sadness I tended to fill up my schedule. So that pretty much meant running until I collapsed. I didn't have a lot of down time, but the down time I did have would make me feel like there was a giant suction cup pulling me down into the chair and that it was futile to attempt to move out of it. If I got the idea that I could be productive two giant invisible hands would then push my shoulders down further.
Thanksgiving was not a time that I was looking forward to. It would be the first one without Dad, but also the first one without Mom-Mom. I was just not ready for it. Food wise I did okay. I made sure to eat breakfast because Dinner was at 3, but I forgot to eat a light lunch. I did just have one plate of food and didn't have any dessert...but I did have some adult beverages. I was a little happy from that.
We had discussed Black Friday shopping and I thought that if we went to the outlets I would look for new sneakers at Asics. When we found out that they were open that night we went. I don't usually like to encourage shopping on Thanksgiving, but the obsession of new running sneakers blinded me. I MUST HAVE THEM NOW! Luckily they were on sale and I got a new pair, and some socks. I'm a wild Black Friday shopper. Watch out.
Physically I have healed from my running injuries. But, I have had such a horrible mental fallback it's not funny. I have gone to the gym twice this month and I was really excited about that time. I even ran a little. I felt good, but then the giant hole of sadness would open up and WHAM. I'm barely moving.
Leading up to Christmas I was a total mess. I lost count of the times I cried each day. As much as I wanted to be with my family and relax, I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I didn't want to face another Holiday without two of the people who I loved most in my life. And to top it off, I got sick the week before Christmas. I had literally run myself into the ground. It was my own fault, but I also blame the germs running around pre-school. That didn't help matters.
When I was up driving up for Thanksgiving I had stopped at Wegman's Grocery story for some last minute items. While I was there I found some Candy Cane Celestial Seasonings Tea. Had I known how delicious it is, I would have bought all that they had. So the only thing that pulled me out of the sadness on the drive up for Christmas was the thought of stopping for more Candy Cane tea. I had looked everywhere down south and couldn't find it. So when I stopped on this trip I had a skip in my step, which was nice because I had been reliving the last four days with Dad for the previous hour.
I checked the first section of tea. None there. Okay Breathe. There is another section to check. The blood is rushing to my ears and my heart is pounding as I casually fast walk through the throngs of last minute shoppers. I get to the second section and they are all out there too. Thank goodness it all happened in my head, because I had an all out temper tantrum in my head. I work in a preschool and I must be spending too much time with 3 year olds. I literally wanted to drop onto the floor and have a meltdown. This is a small peek into the way my brain has been functioning since September. It's amazing I haven't had an accident.
I'm not going to lie, Christmas was awful for me. I loved being around my family, but I have never felt so sad. My anxiety was through the roof. I ate off and on, but mostly I ate sweet things and several meals were skipped. I would like to tell you about one of the best meals that I had though. The day after Christmas Mom and I went to Carrabbas for dinner. I stayed in the low calorie section and ordered the Prosciutto -wrapped pork tenderloin (with a port wine fig sauce) and grilled Asparagus. It was AMAZING. I want to recreate it.
I started to rally during the week. I had talked about doing the Rock'n'Roll Washington DC half marathon in March. I have been holding off registering, but I pulled the trigger last week. I signed up to run for the St. Jude Heroes team. I'm pretty excited. Now I just need to raise $500 and train for 13 miles.
Feel free to check out my Fundraising page:
http://fundraising.stjude.org/site/TR/Heroes/Heroes?px=4953572&pg=personal&fr_id=75944
Alright kids, I am tired and have preschool in the morning. It's good to be back. I've missed you. See you soon.
Have a Blessed Evening,
Jennie
xoxo
****Please note****
If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.
jhendersonfit@gmail.com
http://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsOfAFormerFatGir
yeah, sorry, I messed up and the "l" is missing....I need an assistant :-)
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter: hugsnsmile
Instagram: Jennie5973
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