Sunday, December 16, 2012

Emotional eating during a time of Tragedy

Hello my friends,

It's very hard to sit and write tonight.  My heart is heavy for families and communities suffering such tremendous losses.  My eyes are blurry from crying for days.

I had so much to write about from this weekend, but I will hold off on that until tomorrow.  Instead, I will talk about the emotions of this weekend.

First of all, I am a crier. Good Lord, am I a crier. I cry during hallmark commercials. I cry when the wait staff sings Happy Birthday to people clear across the restaurant that I do not even know. I cry when I am happy.  I cry when I am sad.  I cry when I sing in church (or in the car practicing songs for choir...like I did all morning).  I leak so much water that my body bloats. It's true. I have to associate tissues with bottles of water. I have to force myself to drink water when I know that I will be crying a lot. I am well over my 64 oz of water but I still feel so parched. I feel like for every 8 ounces I drink I have cried out twice as much.  My belly is so swollen.

Second of all, sadness makes me want to eat. I was at Target today. I stopped for a few groceries for the week. I had mentally mapped out my route to avoid those chocolate filled aisles. But, everywhere I turned people were talking about the loss of all of those lives in Connecticut.  I let my guard down and before I knew it, my body had literally walked itself over to the holiday chocolate aisle. When I snapped out of it, I realized that I had several bags of hershey kisses in my basket.  I really don't remember putting them in there.

I was a little scared when I realized what I had done.  I have worked so hard to change my habits, but my emotional crutch is still food.  I really don't know if this will ever change. During Church this morning the names of those who were killed were read and the bells rang. If there was a vat of chocolate in front of me, I would have dived right in right then and there.

This weekend has been full of emotional highs and lows.  I am not going to lie. I put those bags back, but I cheated a lot this weekend.  Cupcakes. Mini Cupcakes. Cookies. Queso dip. Donut. Pizza.  My portions and quantities were low, but the fact that there were so many makes me mad. In all honesty, I don't even really taste what I eat either. There is no savoring it. I'm sort of numb when I'm emotionally eating. I am going through the motions without really enjoying it. I need to get a hold of myself and my emotions.  It's okay to cry, but it's not okay to seek comfort in empty calories.  I've worked too hard to take so many steps backwards.

Have a Blessed Night my friends.

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