Saturday, September 22, 2012

Food triggers: Smells and Emotions

Hello my Lovelies and Gents,

Let's talk food.  This has been the week of "If you buy it you will eat it!"  If it was in my cabinet I would have eaten it this week.  The good news is that it wasn't in the cabinet. The bad news is that I went back hour after hour looking for something to eat.  Willing something to show up that wasn't there an hour ago. I purposely stayed out of the stores because I did not trust myself.

I eat well, but I'm a habit eater. This is why I can't seem to lose my fat belly.  I need to shake it up. Eating the same thing day after day is not good.  It's kind of why I haven't brought this up before.  It's a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of thing.

Part of it is my schedule.  Part of it is my budget.  Part of it is my OCD. I try to shake things up, but that usually happens on cheat day.  Oh and before we go on, today was cheat day. Today I went for a walk with my friend Kristin while her kids were in swim class. Afterwards they were going to lunch. They asked if I wanted to go to Wendy's.  I'm still doing well at my no fast food 2012 thing. It is cheat day, but I was reserving my cheat for later.  So we went to subway.  I got my $5 footlong oven roasted chicken.  I had half for lunch and half for dinner. YEAH!  Tasty and fits the budget. And then it was off to Starbucks. I have my postcard for my free drink.  I have been DYING to try the Salted Caramel Mocha Frappacino. While I was in line I had in my mind "Order it LIGHT! And just get a Grande."  What came out was "Venti!" light. And then I also got the salted caramel cake pop. If I'm going to have a cheat day I'm going to go big!  I've had a rough week. And this was my treat to myself.  Well worth the wait. Can't wait until next week!  But, I will go light and a grande this time.

Okay so I stressed on Thursday.  I had been talking to someone all week who is an emotional trigger for me. At one point on Thursday I jumped up from my desk and ran to the vending machine. I felt like a drug addict looking for a score. The walk over there was like something out of a movie. The noise in the office got fuzzy and my peripheral vision blurred.  The only thing clear was what was right in front of me. I could not get those peanut M&M's out fast enough. I willed myself to make them last, but they were gone within 2 minutes. This is my problem. I cannot savor my treats. How many drug addicts draw out their hits?  No, you go at it immediately for the quick release. *insert sad face* So for the love of God, please don't ever say to me "Just one won't hurt."  You have no idea how much emotion is attached to food for me.

Last night when I was leaving the gym I ran and grabbed a handful of tootsie rolls from the counter. Argh. I need the sugar, but one would be fine.  I don't need the 5 that I took. And then I came home and looked at the sugar-free pudding in my fridge. I love it!  Why isn't it enough to make me happy?

So thank you to Kristin for picking up the Wendy's kids meal and bringing it to Subway. Originally the plan was for me to go to Subway and take it there, but that's so dangerous for me. The smells!  They are triggers.  I did not trust myself with the smell of the fries and burgers. I cannot even guess how many times that I have eaten at Wendy's over the years. It's definitely in the thousands. That dang dollar menu was my salvation. And my downfall.

Seriously, I sat in the booth with my subway while my goddaughter sat across from me with her kids meal. The sweet girl kept offering me some of her fries.  I stayed strong, but I could not stop looking at them. But, I just sat there eating my chicken sandwich dreaming of my Starbucks treats to come.

In an effort to break out of my food rut, I am preparing for my week. I got the goods to make some chicken chili in the crockpot tomorrow. YEAH!  It's delicious and makes my week better.  I won't have it every day, but it's a nice change.

The thing is, I have known for a while that I am not eating enough. I'm not. I would be down to my goal weight if I wasn't working out. I am not eating enough to fuel my workouts. It just means that I'm working harder. So as frustrated as I am at my belly, it's my own fault. But, again I am going at a healthy pace for me.  If I lose it too fast I will stress that I will put it back on just as fast. I'm going slow.  It's frustrating, but I know that I'm getting there.

For the record, I still have not had the candy corn oreos yet....but, if I have another week like this past one I don't know how much longer I can hold out.  Especially since I can't get my usual workouts in because of my foot. ARGH.  Okay deep breaths. I can do this...yes I can!

Have a blessed night my friends.

****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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