Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Why am I crying daily?

Hello Beautiful People,

Holy Craziness Peeps!  Just when I think my life is as busy as it can get, it gets that much busier. I have had a lot of struggles lately and it's been quite stressful. But, I've also had a lot of blessings.

The good news is that I am pretty full with clients. The bad news is that it's impacting my personal workout time. Add that to my knee issues and I have been a sad little puppy.

The big news is my life is that I made the horribly painful decision to switch my December Marathon to a Half Marathon. It has made me cry just about daily. It might be hard for most people to understand, but to anyone who has committed to a marathon, they know how hard it is to say no.

My calendar has a countdown on it for the weeks leading up to the race. Week by week seemed to go by and I missed another week of training. It hurt. As each week went by I knew I was getting closer and closer to pulling out of the Full.

On top of the busy schedule, I was having a lot of knee pain. I am fine when I am out there, but I have pain for days after. As a trainer, it's very difficult for me. I need full function of my body to do my job properly. I am not getting the rest and elevation time I need after training. I basically have time to shower and eat before heading to my next appointment.

So one day I was on a 5 mile walk to test out the knee on back to back days. I mentally compiled a pro-con list in my head about switching:

Reasons to change to Half Marathon:
-I do not have any regular day weekly to get my full distance training in.
-I can spend more time hanging with the other runners after I finish the Half
-I can spend more workouts cross training with weights
-Less chance of injury
-Easier recovery time
-Allows me to use any free time I have for fun with friends
-My knee will thank me
-No transfer fee
-3 full marathons within a calendar year is pretty aggressive

Reasons not to change:
-It will break my heart to switch

There is no sane reason to keep trying for the full. But, I never claimed to be sane. I know I struggled with my previous trainings, but I pushed through and I finished. I also know that I would have had an easier time finishing if I had trained better.

I cried and cried and cried, but I finally decided to make the switch. I'm so tired right now. I love my job and I love that it allows me the time to volunteer for things that I am passionate about. I am finally doing everything that I have dreamed about for years. That has to be my priority.

During my recertification I took a course on Osteoarthritis. I spent a whole day on it. It was so fun (sarcastic by the way). I found out some things that I really need to stop doing (my quad stretches) and basically distances are severely frowned upon (putting it nicely).

I have a hard time saying No to people. If someone needs something done, I say "Yes, I can help" regardless of my availability. It's a problem. I said yes too many times. I forgot to say Yes to myself.  This is what I want to do for myself and I overcommitted to everyone else.

So why is this so hard to do?

There is a part of me that is very scared. Not of the race, but of the implications of not sticking with it. It makes me feel like the Former Fat Girl won. It makes me feel like my body betrayed me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I know that's all crazy, but let's face it, the brain is not always rational.

I want 3 full marathons. I will get number 3 in 2016. In the meantime, I will focus on filling my schedule with Half marathons to keep me moving and training.

Now I just have to deal with the battle happening inside my head. I'm a little depressed over this decision. Depression plus a food addict equals a bad situation. I need to get my head in the game.

Have a Blessed Evening
****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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