Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Insanity of 26.2

Hello Beautiful People,

As I write this I am sitting with an ice pack on my knee while it is elevated. My mind is not in a good place right now. I'm extremely frustrated.

The road to Cleveland has been filled with lots of ups and downs...ironic since I chose it for it's flat course. haha.  Seriously, this has been an emotional roller coaster unlike any of my previous races, including my first marathon.

When I trained for my first marathon last year it was pretty much my number one priority. This time around I have been super busy with other things so it's taken a backseat. Couple that with my knee issues and it's been horrible.

So many times I have sat down and said "I'm going to need to make this a Half Marathon. I'm just physically not ready." And that's hurt. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me????

My work schedule got a little more hectic this year. I now have clients 7 days a week. It got harder to fit in distance days. With my knees it's hard to move around afterwards. If I have clients at night I don't like to do distances those days. Plus I have Bible study on Wednesday nights so I didn't want to do them that day. And then I got involved with Monday nights at church. My church hosts homeless families on Monday nights during the winter. I really wanted to be mobile for them. Plus they were hard emotionally to prepare for and walk away from. A couple nights I spent the night there and I couldn't sleep well. My heart was just too heavy.

When I did get my distances in I had a very hard time recovering the next day. My knee is PISSED at me. It keeps reminding me that I promised it some rest and recovery after December's Marathon. Generally it doesn't hurt during the runs, it's later that it screams bloody murder at me. Usually I can get back out there two days later. This time around it's taken 2-3 days for the pain to subside.

Things have come up. My body is not physically ready. I've been exhausted from my schedule. My body is exhausted and hurting. It's been rough.

To top things off I have been very stressed about my fundraising. For previous races I have had a desk job and a laptop without a virus. I was on top of my fundraising requests. This time around has been hard. I've barely been on my laptop. As of today I have $150 of the $600 I promised to raise. So there's a little stress right there. "I'm going to have to pay so much for a race that I don't even know if I can finish." I want so much to do everything that I can to raise money for Autism Research. It's such an important cause for me. And I feel like I've let them down. I have since heard from people that they were having a hard time with website, so at least I know there is some more support out there. Hooray!  I'm not a complete failure!


Okay so I have gone back and forth about a billion times in the past couple of months. Do I stick with the Full marathon or do I do the sane thing and switch to a half. I think I landed on Half about 2 times. The rest I keep landing on Full. It's hard to talk to people about this. Most people don't understand why I haven't completely landed on Half yet. After all, it's the sane thing to do. If I would just commit to that then most of the stress would melt away. The toll that it's taking on me physically and emotionally unreal. Why would anyone choose to do that to themselves?  My response: Anyone who signs up for 26.2 borders on the insane. That's the only answer I can give.

Most people tell me that I should switch to a Half. The people who aren't saying that are my fellow 26.2ers. They KNOW. They Get Me!  I've done it once. I can do this. I have to do this. I NEED to do this. And so I have fully committed to the Full. I would rather try and fail than always wonder if I could have done it and I gave up. This is HUGE for me. The fear of failure was a catalyst for the Former Fat Girl. The fear of failure was what kept her from living life. That's what kept her on the sidelines.

Even with the knee pain I am experiencing today I am planning on the Full. I will know when I need to stop. If I have to pull myself off of the course and take a cart ride back to the finish line then I will. Maybe it'll be driven by a really cute guy! I am just planning on going slow. I may be the last person to cross that finish line. I'm so okay with that. More than okay. I don't care how long it takes. My body and mind have had negotiations this past week. They have agreed to work together and get me to that finish line. Of course, that could be the insanity talking.

I keep promising my body it gets a rest after Cleveland...and then I remember that I have another Full in December. Yep, clearly insane....

Have a Blessed Evening

****Please note****

If you feel like you are alone on your journey and you just need some encouragement I am here for you! Shoot me an email and I will do my best to check in on you or give you the words of support you need several times a week. The journey is so much easier if you have support.

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